This morning I woke up to a mountain of dishes in the sink. We made chili last night, but I was exhausted after dinner and gave myself permission to leave the kitchen a mess, set my alarm early before work, and get them done in the morning.
This morning I really wished I hadn’t done that. I was still exhausted, nervous for the day at work, and on top of all that, now completely overwhelmed by all the dishes. I wasn’t sure how I could do it all. Life in general has become very overwhelming.
Then I took a deep breath, and started with the dishes already clean, in the dish rack. One by one I put them away in their cabinets. And suddenly, the mountain in the sink looked a bit smaller.
I needed to make space for the cleaning before it could begin.
Lately I feel my world is very small. It feels strange and unlike me, because before what happened I felt the world was very large, and I felt my life was infinitely possible…that I was infinitely possible. I have made my current life very small because that is what has felt safe and necessary for my healing process.
And after finishing (!) all the dishes, I understand why.
I need to make space for the healing. To clear out the parts of my life that do not serve the healing process. Then I can begin to pick away at the mountain of dirt that needs tending to. And when there is space and healing enough, my world will feel large again. I will fill it back in. I have to believe that. I must.